Wednesday, 22 September 2010

I’d wear my heart on my sleeve but it’s too well embedded in my pocket

I’m not very good at expressing my feelings verbally and even when I write them out I still manage to skirt around things. I avoid saying the things that I truly mean and I fail at telling people I love them. I so often feel awkward talking about feelings and such and I have to be in just the right mood and talking to just the right person for me to ‘let it all out’. With very few people will I tell them how I truly feel and if you’re one of those people, you’re very special. Not that I ever tell you that. I can’t even tell them absolutely everything.

I guess, in some senses, I am putting my heart on my sleeve here; putting how I feel out there for people to know. However, I still avoid things when it truly matters. Instead of letting a conversation drift into more personal subjects I may bring up sheep (not that my every mention of sheep is me avoiding a subject) or I’ll answer a question indirectly rather than dealing with the subject on hand. So often what I want to say is left trapped in a corner of my mind that I am incapable of attaching in any way to my vocal chords. Maybe I’ll text it later but that never seems meaningful enough and sending a letter is so often not practical. (Although, if I knew more people’s addresses, it would happen a lot more if you remember my last blog...)

I’ve never been very good at sharing how I feel. I guess I’ve always got scared of people not understanding how I feel so I bottle it up, keep it to myself. Sure, I’m gradually getting better but I’m still hardly ecstatically spouting the things of my heart to the world. Sometimes this saddens me a lot. I mean, I want to tell people what God means to me. I want to tell people what he’s done in my life and how he’s helped me through hard times but I find it hard to share things that are that personal: The paradox of so badly wanting to share the most important thing with the world but so often being unable to utter a word.

It’s not just the answers I find hard to give, I’m also terrible at asking the question, some of which probably need to be asked. Sometimes it’s because I feel like I’m invading someone else’s privacy, other times it’s just because I know the conversation will be full of emotions and feelings that I just can’t handle. Why did you break up? Can we still talk and be friends? Why did you end it like that? Do you like me? Are you a Christian? How did you become a Christian? Did you really love me? Should I have said no? Why didn’t you stop me? What would you have done if I’d said yes? Why didn’t you tell me sooner? Why couldn’t you have phoned me instead? Can you explain why you like her? Why don’t we talk as much as we used to? Why did you go against what you always told me? Did you really do that? Is it wise to start this relationship? Why didn’t you listen? Some of the questions I’ve left unasked and therefore, unanswered.

I almost want to delete this and not post this. This cuts pretty close to home and I guess it’s sort of self explanatory why I want to delete it. But I won’t. However much I’d rather just curl up and cry. Maybe this is the first step to really sharing. But sorry friends, I think this is only the beginning of me being able to share more with you.

1 comment:

  1. Its really brave of you to have posted this Hannah, well done for having the courage to put this up