Saturday, 8 January 2011

A discussion on the increasing significance of ovis aries in the circular nebulous of the world wide web

It is commonly considered an abomination to eat ovis aries (English name sheep) among vegetarian and vegan communities all around the world and the western world is also unconditionally and irrevocably in love with any small fluffy creature that bares the pet name "Shaun the Sheep" however whether ovis aries should constitute part of a healthy human's weekly intake through their main facial orifice remains a largely undecided yet un-debated issue in the modern world around us. Unlike both the pig and the cow, no religious stigma is attached to the consumption of the sheep as far as I am aware however sheep or 'lamb' is not so commonly used in slices to place in sandwiches for the easy consumption at work, school or college at lunch time. It is much more common to have a sandwich with a slice of pig in its centre for consumption at around midday than to have a slice of sheep placed between two slices of bread. This strange phenomenon is the start of a number of other issues that have been overlooked by the world in general however due to the circular nature of the internet, this issue has been increasingly discussed and brought up in small, unknown binary communication channels.

A widely unobserved phenomenon concerning the increasing significance of ovis aries is the ability for misunderstandings and assumptions to fuel the spam bots of the binary world. The liquid discharged from the mammary glands of the female sheep, particularly in the western cultures of the modern day world, is often disregarded as a legitimate and tasty beverage. 42% of the people from the sample of everyday British people that we asked were not aware that the milk produced by sheep was safe for consumption and an even larger percentage thought that it is only possible to drink the milk excreted from a cow's udder. While some understood and comprehended the possibility of consuming other milk besides that produced by bovine, sheep's milk was even less widely known about than goat's milk. This large gap in the education of the member of a nation that was previously very serious farmers is rather worrying however also allows individuals such as Bill Gates to tap into this unused source of potential energy and, much like the lonely assassins, use potential abstract energy to hide their very high energy consumption and make it possible for their employers to check Facebook, Twitter, YouTube and Dailybooth all simultaneously on separate computers and electronic devices. However, the decreasing freedom to publish whatever you like on the internet has led to the bizarre paradox of an increase in information and knowledge being leaked onto the internet. This means that an increasing percentage of the population are now becoming aware of the benefits of sheep milk and the potential abstract energy available to large companies is dropping at a steady 4.2% each day.

While sheep milk is three times higher in whey proteins than cow's milk, cows are much more likely to be farmed specifically for the purpose of milking. This contradiction, whenever voiced out loud or considered seriously for over 42 seconds, causes a hole in the fabric of time and space to form and it is such holes that allow telepathic waves of information to seep through from other universes and through the void that stops the universes banging into each other and causing time sensitive earthquakes. Unbeknown to the majority of the world, these telepathic waves are the source of inspiration for many 'creative' individuals. While some have genuinely bizarre minds that allow them to come up with ideas for films, TV shows, music or art, the majority of inspiration is fed by these telepathic waves called "Visionary Transference Beams" or VTBs in scientific circles. VTBs are the main cause of many programs such as Doctor Who and also books such as Twilight which has both positive and negative connotations. Whilst VTB inspiration for Doctor Who means that there is evidence supporting the idea that Time Lords and time travel exists in another universe, the knowledge that VTB inspired Twilight has also caused the controversial suicide of four top scientists and we know that at least two of them mentioned in their suicide notes that they could not even contemplate living a moment longer when the possibility that "vegetarian vampires" exist in another universe remains. However, not all inspiration inspired by the VTBs is accurately transformed into the books, films, TV episodes, music and art we see and hear so it is possible that outlets such as Twilight have been highly corrupted in their transference from VTB.

Aside from causing VTBs, sheep have also been considered as the original creators of the internet. How the internet works is a phenomenon that many are still pondering over and even those who claim to have created the internet and be in control are actually completely clueless and the 42 that are not clueless are in fact sheep in disguise. Contrary to Douglas Adams' books which claim that dolphins are the most intelligent creatures on earth, sheep are actually the most intelligent creatures and at approximately one billion in number, they easily control and monitor the whole of the internet. It is currently unknown why sheep allow so much rude content to remain on the internet however one highly regarded opinion is that the sheep do not wish to intrude on the lives of humans and are in fact monitoring how humans use the internet. The same could also be said about VTBs as, while sheep have full control over the penetration of VTBs through the atmosphere, most are allowed through without tampering or changing. The only exception to this was found when a scientist looked into the VTBs that had inspired Douglas Adams as he wrote the Hitchhiker's trilogy in five parts and small glitches in the information transference was found to have shifted a couple of decimal places in a seemingly random fashion. It was also detected that the origins of these particular VTBs was in fact our universe, another rare phenomenon, and this has led to an almost unanimous belief among scientists that sheep intercepted the signal to protect their identity and ensure their experiment could continue.

Many, upon discovering the intelligence of sheep, have wondered why they allow themselves to be killed and eaten for meat however it has been discovered that each and every owner of a slaughter house is actually a sheep using a shimmer to protect their identity. Each sheep when entering the slaughter house is actually taken through to a pan dimensional room after out of sight of the farmer where they teleport back to their home planet of 'Mutton' (the similarity to the French term for sheep is not accidental) and the meat deposited at the other end is actually an inactive biological replica grown from inactive stem cells with growth rate accelerated by the futon particles discharged as the teleports activate on each sheep's return journey. However, there are a few sheep who enjoy living on earth so much that they stay and are instead teleported to one of 42 fields in Wales which explains why there are twice as many sheep as humans in Wales and each day the number is growing.

It is only recently that the sheep's plans in subtle world domination through the medium of the internet have started to backfire and information concerning their true identity and intelligence has started to leak through and artificial VTBs have meant that some humans have become aware of this truth. Matters are not helped by the small yet significant minority of sheep who have come together to form societies such as 'friends of the humans' in an attempt to give humans the freedom of information that they believe they deserve and have set out to sabotage the original project started on earth 4.2 billion years ago when the sheep founders landed on earth. (It has since been discovered that the original 42 sheep actually crash landed on earth when the pilot went for a toilet break and forgot to put the controls on auto pilot and actually they had been hoping to land on mars to do the same experiment except concerning the martians.) While their identity may become common knowledge in the next few years, 'Friends of the Humans' has released a statement declaring that the investigations into humans is actually coming to an end in 2012. It is possible that in their attempt to broadcast this via multiple VTBs, some of the signals were corrupted and contaminated and may in fact be the origin of the idea behind the world ending in 2012. In reality, only the internet and the existence of sheep will end in 2012 (although no more internet may as well be the end of the world for some) which although, in the long term, will not be too much of a catastrophe as 'Friends of the Humans' is planning on leaving the plans for the internet in Bill Gate's bathroom, this event will have a disastrous affect on the London Olympics with possible shortages of food and chefs who know about this are worried that they will only have pork left to offer as it has also been broadcasted that many sheep will be taking their bovine boyfriends or girlfriends with them.

One riddle that may not be answered before the sheep start disappearing is the reason why some meats, when cooked, are named directly after the animal they come from (such as chicken, lamb [or assumed to come from lamb], turkey,) while others are given seemingly unrelated names (such as beef, pork, ham, venison.) While it is generally assumed that the sheep know the answer, some scientifically minded chefs believe that the answer will be left unknown in order to keep the abstract energy motors running which the sheep set up in order to contain the humans within a certain distance from the earth's surface. However, it is assumed that these motors will start running down once the sheep are all half way home, simultaneously fixing the hole in the ozone and making it possible for humans to understand the food phenomenon.

While sheep as an entity have not been fully investigated as it is believed that they have put a dampener on most brains preventing more than 42% of the brain's capacity to think about sheep at any one time, scientists are hoping to implement a full investigation when the sheep leave in 2012. Until then, VTBs are being recorded onto 42 inch disks to be played back when full sheep thought capacity is returned and a full report will be published on the new internet when it has be decoded, recoded and re-established.

The author holds no responsibility for the gullibility of readers and while some of the facts and figures in this article are true, the author cannot 100% guarantee the reliability of each and every fact contained within the above collection of words.



·         Latest book read: Still reading "Friends Like These" I should really finish it.
·         Latest film/TV/ watched: The Return of Tracy Beaker - Episode 2 still, because Primeval is yet to come up on ITV player
·         Latest music listened to: Back to You by The Mike Lombardo Trio currently playing.
·         Latest food/sweets/whatever eaten: A Chocolate (I see a pattern immerging... This is a different chocolate to earlier and I've eaten dinner between)
·         Programs and web pages currently open: In Google Chrome:
Alien PresidentSnails: Brothers in shellsCylinder and MiserableFort ParadoxThe application page for a Doctor Who exhibition pilot, Matt's Blog, (the usual offenders! lol), Blogger in draft: new post, ITV player on the Primeval page,  Windows Live Mail,  Windows Media Player.


  1. ookay... that was disturbing... i could handle most of it, but the suggestion that sparkly emo vampires might really exist? no can do. 8s

    the post is definitely substantial, but i might have to call you out on meaningfulness. hmnnn. *strokes beard again*

    btw, what exactly was in those chocolates you had earlier? did you check the ingredients and allergens lists before eating?

  2. The likelihood of sparkly emo vampires existing is very unlikely as the VTBs from that world were most likely not transferred properly into the mind of Stephenie Meyer and there would have been a number or inaccuracies in the binary coding and a few misplaced decimal points causing the vampires to sparkle and such. It's much more likely that the signal came through from the universe where Saturnyne originally was before it got destroyed (yes I had to google that) and therefore you can sleep safe!

    In terms of meaningfulness: are you saying my 'art' isn't meaningful?! *Sulks slightly* I'm giving you an insight to my mind ;)

    Those chocolates? Well the much earlier ones were celebrations and the most recent one was a minty chocolate thing although I didn't check the ingredients further than 'chocolate' and 'mint flavouring'

  3. the saturnyne theory is an improvement, but i can't help thinking it'd take a lot of misplaced decimal points to turn them into those ghastly things i keep seeing on twilight movie posters. let's just say if there was a two-horse-race beauty contest between a saturnynian in fish form, and whats-his-face the sparkly vampire, sparkly would lose badly imho.

    re: meaningfulness, i wasn't being serious. i could probably have phrased it better to make that clearer though. sorry.

    anyway... i've got some catching up to do, haven't i?